Hell Fortold : The Weeping Valkryie

[Jous]

Anyway, Hell-Shift is my own idea which I have thought up in my head, and I'm drawing comics for it now. My goal is for someday it to be some kind of real-actor tv series, an anime, a video game, a movie, or a comic series. I would be happy with any of those. So now I introduce you to my world. Yeah, I know it's really long, but please read it and tell me what you think. =)


Hell-Shift: The Weeping Valkrie


Backround information: A medeival setting is in this world, the only fantasy oriented thing being the existence of dragons, no magic or anything like that. The last great empire that has been known to the people has fallen at the hands of constant rebels, random enemy attacks, and an ever weakening economy. Thus, now every nation that was once allied with each other fight wars after wars for control of the land. The main countries being Solurui, with the largest army by far, but mediocre training and most of them being militia. Cyram, the weakest of them, with very low numbers and poor training, they could fall out of it any day now. Bagust, with medium numbers but exceling in training, they are the finest fighters in the land, and by far the winner of most battles. And finally Azark, a nuetral country who fights all of them merely to try to stop them from battling. They have no intent on controling the world.
Galdoa, one of the 9 Heavenly Knights of the realm (him being from Azark), along with some of his comrades ride out towards a battlesite where Cyram and Solurui are engaged in a bloodfest. Daez, one of Galdoa's comrades, is injured after day 9 of the battle and cannot go on to fight the next morning. He stays in a medical camp awaiting Galdoa's return. However, suddenly the tide of battle turns, and the Soluruians unleash a surprise attack, killing everyone in sight. One by one, Galdoa watches as his finest knights are slaugtered by the endless flow of warriors charging after them. Just then, Galdoa turns around and a spiked hammer is heading towards his stomache. He screams and blacks out.
He awakens later to find himself in a room with other Knights dressed as he is, all smiling at him. He is explained that he was captured, along with all of the other 17 Heavenly Knights, by Cyram. When questioning why they have been brought inside the castle, a man tells them of a legend...

"When order falls over and Hell reigns throughout
one of them is to find thou Angels
thy blind lord to see when thee finds new order."

Scholars explain to them that the last great empire was order, and the Angels were the Heavenly Knights. The blind king is an ancient statue they have of their greatest lord in history, but it was not completed and thus the eyes are missing from it. He says that every Heavenly Knights is to stand in front of the statue, and when the statue gains eyes that one will be their foretold savior to bring the lowly country up from the ashes as the newest empire. The ones who do not give it eyes are killed on spot. One by one the Knights die, as the lord remains blind. When there are 2 knights left, Galdoa is next....... The statue gains light around it...and miraculously eyes sprout from the rock statue. The other knight is then killed. In shock, Galdoa is not quite sure what to believe as the entire city cries in jubilation. He is proclaimed to be the king once their current king, who had no children, passes away.
Consumed of power, Galdoa cannot wait any longer for his reign. When going to meet the king one day, he embraces the king, but has a hidden dagger in his left hand. After stabbing the king, the only guard in the room is too slow to react, and is then knocked out cold. Galdoa places the dagger in the guard's hands and runs off yelling for help.
Back in Azark, Jous, adopted son of one of the richest men in town and his friend Selix are drafted in as squires. In Azark though, squires are drafted at the age of 18 and become knights at 22, and squires must complete a mission before becoming a squire officially. Their mission is to be spies to find out what is taking Galdoa so long to return. When they get there though, and see Galdoa being proclaimed a king, they hurry back home.....only to find their town burned to ruins. Jous' dying father explains it was Cyram troops who did this. Jous and Selix vow revenge, and thus the chronicles begin.

[Jous]

Characters:

Jous: A young peasant turned noble by being adopted, he is very quiet and serious. He is skilled with his sword and fast in battle. He and everyone he travels with have been dubbed heretics for going against the rising in power Cyram, where the main leaders of the church live.

Selix: Jous' best friend, the only one who can seem to understand and communicate with him. He too vows revenge against Cyram, but with Galdoa being his hero and idle throughout his life, one cannot be sure over his true loyalty.....

Daez: Galdoa's ex comrade turned leader of many gangs of rebels. His skill in military strategy is unsurpassed throughout the realm. Except of course, for his former leader's skill...

Azaela: A young 17 year old girl rescued from Jous and Selix's burning hometown. She too is quiet, but becomes closer to Jous when he rescues her from death and hides her in a cave during a battle.

Trel: A powerful Dargoon, a man with the features of a dragon and extraordinary strength. He joins Jous and co. when they defeat him in battle, and he swears loyalty to them as it was the first time he has ever been bested throughout his 200 year old life.

Galdoa Exavior: Lord of Cyram, he was proclaimed the Knight of God after becoming king, and has since lived up to his name and legend by bringing up a dying country to the major power of the war. He is the strongest swordsman in the world, ruthless and powerful, but also very intelligent. He has never been beaten in a full sclale battle.


That's what I can tell you so far (it'd be stupid to tell the ending and stuff) if you read all of this, I congratulate you. And thank you. Please tell me your thoughts on this, or even a rating from 1-10 would be fine.

Note: I had to seperate this because it wouldn't let me post something this large as one post.

[Sokar468]

If you actually write this all out in a novel form, it could be a very good work of fan fiction. I wish you could publish it somehow in some form, but for now, it will make one fine Internet fan-story.

Oh, learning from KoL, avoid the sappiness of Alphonse and Eleanor. Otherwise, keep up the good ideas.

Thats really long can any one tell me if its worth reading?

[Jaggy]

That's what I wanna know too..

[=EleMenTaL=]

Read it. It's good!

[Jous]

Hey, ;D please don't get pissed off at me, I know this topic of mine is freakishly ancient, but I added some more characters and I wanted to know what you all think of them. I didn't wanna make a new topic cause I thought it was pointless. In case you didn't read the storyline yet, please do that before judging the characters. Thx and once again sorry for idgging this up


New characters....:

1# Lord Viroq Galera- Head warrior of Cyram before Galdoa rose into power, he was the right hand man of the former king and was the absolute head of the army, no general could defy him. The only person who could was the king, but he never did as Viroq is a long time war hero and one of the greatest strategists the world ever knew. In the heart of Cyram, Viroq basically ran everything that had to do with the army. The king's only real purpose was economy and trade and the like.
After Galdoa rose to power as the "Prince Messiah", he was very worried about his position as he and everyone else knew that Galdoa was obviously going to be basically a dictator and control everything, including the military. However, not wanting to make the people angry for firing a war hero, he left Viroq in his military controling status. Galdoa was still the head of everything and remained the only one who could belay Viroq's orders.
Viroq lost his left arm in battle, yet his skills are so fine tuned that he can wield even an axe with great power and speed even with 1 arm.
Age: 42 Weapon of choice: Great Axe- Fights for: Cyram


#2: Karad Galera- Lord Viroq's 2nd cousin and chief officer of all the knights and legions in the eastern division of the military is Cyram. Karad has been dubbed "Grand Paladin" for his skill in battle and leadership. He can shoot arrows well and controls a powerful blade. He chooses to ride on a horse throughout all battles.
Age: 22 Weapon of choice: Bow/Sword- Fights for: Cyram


#3: Rignhart Laguora- An archer of the revolution, his archery skills are among the best the revolution has, yet he hasn't risen much in rank as he always proclaims he's no leader. Friend of Jous.
Age: 17 Weapon of choice: Bow Fights for: Revolution


#4: Servei Chateris- A Dark Knight and head of one of the Legions in the Southern Division of Cyram's army, he has seen Jous and Daez along with their army and fights with them numorous times, he knows his Legion cannot defeat their entire army so he fights to bring back Daez's head, as there is a high price on it in Cyram. He fights and always loses several times until his death.
Age: 29 Weapon of choice: Mace Fights for: Cyram


#5: Zhithe (last name unknown)- A secret spy of the Solurians, one of the kingdoms fighting a now hopeless war against Cyram. He is spying by pretending to be an injured civilian after a small fight, and Daez agrees to take him in to heal. He becomes "friends" with them, but his only real goal is to bring back information about the army to his king so that they can sell the information to Cyram for supplies and money, and then draw back from the war and rebuild their country. Before Jous or Daez find out though, it's too late. They wake up in the middle of the night to find nearly half of their supplies and soldiers up in flames, and Zhithe gone.
Not long after he brings the information back though, on his next assignment he is spotted by Jous, who is off in the woods by himself. They have a duel to the death, and Zhithe loses, but escapes. Soon after he is executed by his king though for treason. He was not to be caught.
Age: 19 Weapon of choice: Rapier and dagger Fights (or spies) for: Soluria


So whaddya think? Looking good so far? Please tell me your input and if possible, please give the series so far a rating of 1-10. Thx

[Satoshi]

Pretty nice stuff you got there. I got my own story, but I'm too lazy to work on it. Anyway, keep up the good work.

[onidarkmoon]

dude...that's beutiful.
now go. write story. draw comic. kill things!!! do now!!

[Jaggy]

Hm.. You should submit that to www.fanfiction.net

[OldSchool]

As much as i'd like to know what all that says, i just hate reading period, the only thing i truley like reading are gamepro magazines and HTML code lines, thats about it, nothing else catches my eye.

[onidarkmoon]

story about 3 contries. two at war. one balance power and try to make peace. new characters. one give's wierd statue eyes and becomes king. other characters want revenge for destroyed town. there, i tried my best to make a smaller version of all that.

[Lans Tartare]

That really good!

Keep up the good work, Jous!

[fenrir]

10!

learn programming, make this a game...

write a fan-fiction, anything! great great story!

[Jous]

Thanks everyone! I'm glad I'm definetly on the right track for this thing, I've basically got all the characters and basic story complete.


Few more things, I'm not sure if I said this already but in case I didn't these are Galdoa's ideals for the world once his empire controls all.

1. Kill all who oppose him (of course)

2. He deems most peasants unworthy of life. "Why should we give peasants money when we can use slaves to do the same work but for free?"-Galdoa.

3. The church in Cyram believes in all he is doing since the prophecies fortold a savior who would bring them into power and set worldly changes for the good. Churches and other religion everywhere else though, condemns Galdoa and all he is doing. he realizes that, and wants to completely destroy churches outside him to prevent chances of more revolts.

Oh and in case you're not quite clear about it, Galdoa is and Cyram are the BAD GUYS. Galdoa has evil intentions, unlike the one fortold in the legend. But they don't realize it. Galdoa actually in the very beginning isn't evil at all, he was a strong and good warrior who actually fought FOR Azark, Jous's home country. However, power corrupted him and now he's like this.

And I think I misled some when I said Jous and Selix (Well, Selix at the moment, hint hint ) fight just for revenge, it starts out that way but they become revolutionaires once they find out more of Cyram's evil goals.